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  Extreme Sports We'd Like to See

 John Pope


For years, thanks to massive overuse by sports marketers and corporate America, the word "extreme" has been slowly losing its meaning. But 1999 was the year that really marked its demise, probably when the X-Games started running commercials for extreme trucks, extreme tacos, and extreme calling cards (yes, extreme calling cards). Clearly, the time has come to up the ante. So in the spirit of the new Millennium, here are some ideas we believe will revitalize the field of extreme sports. ESPN, listen up.

Full Contact Dungeons & Dragons
Finally, when someone says, "I pull out my charmed broadsword," they really mean it. Contestants back up their role-playing fantasies with actual weaponry, in an entertaining and action-packed sport that also rids the world of a few more Rush-listening, Cheeto-eating D&D geeks.

High Desert Lightning Dash
A once-a-year extravaganza scheduled during the biggest thunderbolt storm of the season. Where the winners get a lotto-sized jackpot, and the losers... well, let's just say they're in for a pretty big shock.

Extreme Shark Swimming
The Discovery Channel meets the X-Games: No cage, no protective suit, no rules.

Urban Sewer Spelunking
In this metropolitan version of adventure racing, athletes don masks, oxygen, and protective gear to cross America's cities by way of their most ruthless and brutal subterranean environments. Extra points awarded for successfully avoiding, but not killing, various animals such as alligators, rats, and albino pythons.

Hard-Core Celebrity Scavenger Hunt
Extreme athletes take to the streets of Hollywood in search of various pre-determined celebrity momentos—everything from a Scott Baio phone bill (amateur—warm up) to an unpublished Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex video (extreme—the Holy Grail).

Downhill Virtual Pet Racing
Anyone who still owns one of these most irritating creations is forced to trek it to a predetermined mountaintop in the Himalayas, and at the buzzer, drop 'em off the cliff. Everybody wins.

Sumo Bull Riding
Where a Sumo wrestler carries a bull on his back for eight seconds. Imagine the fun.

High-Altitude Twister
Today's so-called extreme mountaineers say they have it tough at the top of such alpine peaks as Mt. Everest and Mt. Kilimanjaro. We say, let 'em face off in a game of high-altitude Twister, and then we'll see how tough they really are.

Extreme Whitewater Darts
Two teams, each with an inflatable raft and an arsenal of common pub darts, races down Class-Four rapids while trying to avoid having their boats punctured by sharp flying projectiles.

Boy Band Steel Cage Ultimate Fighting Challenge
Two chart-topping boy bands go in, one comes out. Repeat until there are no new contestants left in the world.


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