For years, thanks
to massive overuse by sports marketers and corporate America, the
word "extreme" has been slowly losing its meaning. But 1999
was the year that really marked its demise, probably when the X-Games
started running commercials for extreme trucks, extreme tacos, and
extreme calling cards (yes, extreme calling cards). Clearly, the time
has come to up the ante. So in the spirit of the new Millennium, here
are some ideas we believe will revitalize the field of extreme
sports. ESPN, listen up.
Dungeons & Dragons
Finally, when someone
says, "I pull out my charmed broadsword," they really mean
it. Contestants back up their role-playing fantasies with actual
weaponry, in an entertaining and action-packed sport that also rids
the world of a few more Rush-listening, Cheeto-eating D&D geeks.
extravaganza scheduled during the biggest thunderbolt storm of the
season. Where the winners get a lotto-sized jackpot, and the
losers... well, let's just say they're in for a pretty big shock.
Extreme Shark Swimming
The Discovery Channel
meets the X-Games: No cage, no protective suit, no rules.
Urban Sewer Spelunking
In this metropolitan
version of adventure racing, athletes don masks, oxygen, and
protective gear to cross America's cities by way of their most
ruthless and brutal subterranean environments. Extra points awarded
for successfully avoiding, but not killing, various animals such as
alligators, rats, and albino pythons.
Celebrity Scavenger Hunt
Extreme athletes take to
the streets of Hollywood in search of various pre-determined
celebrity momentoseverything from a Scott Baio phone bill
(amateurwarm up) to an unpublished Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee
sex video (extremethe Holy Grail).
Anyone who still owns one
of these most irritating creations is forced to trek it to a
predetermined mountaintop in the Himalayas, and at the buzzer, drop
'em off the cliff. Everybody wins.
Sumo Bull Riding
Where a Sumo wrestler
carries a bull on his back for eight seconds. Imagine the fun.
Today's so-called extreme
mountaineers say they have it tough at the top of such alpine peaks
as Mt. Everest and Mt. Kilimanjaro. We say, let 'em face off in a
game of high-altitude Twister, and then we'll see how tough they
Two teams, each with an
inflatable raft and an arsenal of common pub darts, races down
Class-Four rapids while trying to avoid having their boats punctured
by sharp flying projectiles.
Boy Band Steel
Cage Ultimate Fighting Challenge
Two chart-topping boy
bands go in, one comes out. Repeat until there are no new contestants
left in the world.