For years, thanks
to massive overuse by sports marketers and corporate America, the
word "extreme" has been slowly losing its meaning. But 1999
was the year that really marked its demise, probably when the X-Games
started running commercials for extreme trucks, extreme tacos, and
extreme calling cards (yes, extreme calling cards). Clearly, the time
has come to up the ante. So in the spirit of the new Millennium, here
are some ideas we believe will revitalize the field of extreme
sports. ESPN, listen up.
has become a staple of every action movie worth a Van Damme, and we
think the time has come to bring it to the masses. Extra points
awarded for profuse sweating and creative use of the red wire.
elite face off in high-pressure time trialsthe highest number
of successful piercings in an hour takes home the medal. Points
awarded based on style, originality, and difficulty of chosen body parts.
surfing's for wussies. Give us an athlete who can knit an afghan
between the plane and the ground, and we'll then call him extreme.
From the harsh and
unforgiving landscape of the modern-day office park, a new breed of
cubicle commando will arise.
tricks are cool and all, but if we really want to see extreme, let's
give wakeboarders rods and reels and see how they pull off a
540-arial while angling for grouper. (Length and type of fish caught,
if any, will be factored into overall points.)
update of the kids' game "hot potato." Also known as
"Where's the pin?" and "Why Johnny can't play with us anymore."
What better way to
liven up the dull sport of pool than pairing up trained ninjas who
use their cues as martial-arts fighting sticks between shots?
Just like street
luge, except now, the road ends. Winner is the last one to stop
before the edge, or whoever flies off into space.
Round up your
athletes at the top of an active volcano, and get the cameras ready.
When that baby blows, you've instantly got yourself a new extreme sport.